When Caring Becomes Dysfunctional

Caring behavior which acts to enable an addiction is also commonly known as codependency.

In fact this sick form of caring is not truly for the benefit of the “needy.”

It is actually done so as to make the caregiver feel better, more noble, or even loved. In this way caring can be used to create an indebtedness of good feeling toward the caregiver. It is a form of gaining power and control over the needy.

From Thence did Codependency Come?

Although the behavior is ancient the term, "co-dependent", is a term which was originally associated with co-alcoholic behavior. It was documented in the late 1970s in order to help families and spouses of individuals with alcohol and drug problems. It was thought that one of the partners, often times a non-user, was co-addicted in some inorganic way. Over time the addiction was found not to be directly related to alcohol at all.

The concept was initially directed at family members, especially wives, who often "interfered" with the alcoholic’s recovery thus enabling their addiction. It was suggested that this partner’s behavior made it easier for the addict to continue their unacceptable behavior.

Codependency seems to arise from the co-addicted (but dry) partner’s impaired self-esteem. On the one-hand, the co-addicted partner is not personally under the influence of the substance, but they are addicted to their partner’s need for a rescuer. He or she needs to be needed. This is paramount. Therefore they manipulate everyone and especially the addicted “loved one” so that the codependent partner can go on “caring” for them. In this way the co-addicted (but dry) partners can gain/maintain their own sense of self worth which arises from meeting their addict partner’s perverse needs.

The codependent partner is manipulative because they are typically unable to ask directly for love. Instead they seek to obtain it by ingratiating their partner to them. They care for their partner in ways that more assertive persons would not. Their passive-aggressive manipulation passes seductively for caring. In a type of quid-pro-quo arrangement their partner having been the recipient of extreme/sacrificial/heroic care will now owe love and care back to them.

Accountability for our own happiness can be a scary thing. Codependency allows one to relinquish responsibility for our frustrating lifestyles.

Codependency applied to church life

In the church world codependents are often disciple-makers (helpers or rescuers). They act as the guru or teacher does who leads their younger disciples into the way. They are always teaching. What they teach does not truly free their disciples from their enslavement. For instance proverbial legalism keeps a high standard before the disciple and condemns them thoroughly when they fall short, but they never offer the freedom that grace does. Legalism is just one way which this captivity is continued. All the while the co-dependent person tries to appear that they have the inside information and have accomplished the lifestyle and therefore are a suitable teacher and guide. The New Testament describes both Pharisee and Sadducee in terms that mean both we unworthy leaders and failed to guide Israel into real truth and relationship with God.